crippled by technology

Lost my phone this weekend.  I've long refused to carry a purse of any kind when I go out, and so relied on the pockets of my jacket to contain my cell phone, some cash, one credit card, my ID, lip gloss, eyeliner, gum and a pen.  By the end of the night everything was gone except for the two cards, and only because I had evacuated them to the relative safety of a friend's purse.  Imagine I must have been trailing my possessions behind me all evening like a piggy bank leaking coins out of its anal region.

What to do about a replacement though?  Wish merely for a Zach Morris style phone in order to make calls reliably and clearly.  And maybe to tell Kelly Kapowski that her spandex shorts are way too long. In an ideal world, I wouldn't even have SMS capability, so that anyone who texts me would get a standardized reply of the sort you receive when you send a text to a land line:
"You have attempted to reach the equivalent of a coconut phone.  pick up your end and dial, you lazy fuck."

On the other hand, it might be nice to have a phone with some sort of functionality beyond dialing.  It seems like everyone else I know owns the iPhone, or maybe the Google Droid phone for Verizon, but those just feel so intimidating with their functionality overkill.  I don't want a phone that can launch intercontinental ballistic missiles or do my taxes or locate the nearest bloodbank that is currently stocked with B+, I just want to hear some damn Madonna tunes as I'm walking to my car.  Is it wrong to eschew an iPhone and wish there were a uPhone instead?  A phone that someone else has already loaded with apps and music that I'll just happen to like, and that I can learn how to use instantly upon seeing it like the way Neo learned all those implausible fighting moves in The Matrix.  I mean, can't u do it for me?