high spirits

In the past three years, I estimate I flew approximately half a million miles, mostly on American Airlines, the airline that many recall took approximately half a million tons of shit for being the first US legacy carrier to charge passengers for the first checked bag.  I’ve checked only one bag during the past three years, and only by constraint of the 100 mL rule for liquids imposed by the TSA.

So you would think the news yesterday that Spirit Airlines is furthering the unbundling of air travel costs by charging for carry-on bags would be disturbing to me.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303411604575168153573631826.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

But I welcome the change. In fact, I hope that major airlines follow suit so that such charges become standard practice. And I hope that carriers enforce these theoretical written policies in empirical practice by restricting the actual sizes and weights of carry-on and checked bags to make sure that they will actually fit easily into overhead bins without assistance from the Jaws of Life.  Bitch, that giant second suitcase you’re lugging is not a “personal item.”

Ryanair, a leading low-cost carrier (LCC) in Europe, has taken unbundling even a step further by announcing plans for pound-a-pee onboard toilets.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1264006/Ryanair-hikes-luggage-charges-summer-toilet-tax-phased-in.html

By the way, for anyone who’s never had the pleasure of flying Ryanair or any other European LCC, suffice it to say that Ryanair is to Southwest (the US’s best-known LCC) what Kmart is to Nordstrom.  In other words, when Americans post outraged comments about how airlines are going too far in charging for onboard snacks or other amenities, they really have no fucking clue what they are talking about.

(packing: is it really that hard not to bring your christmas turkeys to the airport?)

I’ve read some pretty great comments in the past 24 hours, and just for giggles I’ll summarize the camps of thought as follows:

1) “Airlines are sinking to new lows! I’m not flying anymore!”

Fine. Take your disgruntled ass to the nearest Amtrak station and train or, when you realize the monopoly Amtrak has on rail travel allows them to charge as much for a train ride as for a flight, slink on over to the Greyhound depot.

Or drive your giant SUV to your destination – I’m sure your personal vehicle, unlike a commercial aircraft, is not affected when the price of oil is three digits a barrel.

2) “They should stop nickel-and-diming for bags and just raise the price of the ticket.”

WOW. If only airline CEOs could just read your comment and in so doing make obsolete the jobs of entire departments of airlines devoted solely to the immensely complex process of determining ticket prices.

I personally prefer that charges be a la carte; if I’m capable of packing a 10 kg, 55x40x20 bag for a trip of duration up to 14 days, why should the total cost of my ticket increase just because my fellow passengers want to pay implicitly, rather than explicitly, to port their giant oversized trunks?

3) “This is outrageous! What next, charging passengers by how much they weigh?”

I’ve not met Jonathan Swift, but you, commenter, are no Jonathan Swift. Verbal irony fail.

Charging passengers by how much they weigh is a fantastic idea.

At least next time I fly with a morbidly obese seatmate oozing past the armrest’s inadequate barrier and belaboredly mouthbreathing or sweating while snacking on his foodcourt McDonalds value meal the whole flight, I’ll take comfort in knowing for sure his ticket cost at least twice mine.

And it's not like I'm some sprite myself.  I'm just saying, if I had to pay my weight to fly somewhere, you can bet I'd be making love to my treadmill with far greater frequency, which is a great positive side consequence anyway.

Air travel, like everything in life, is a choice. If you’re outraged by airline pricing structures, join NetJets and own a fractional timeshare of a private jet.

Can’t afford that? Behavior, like anything else, can be changed with enough incentives.

If you don’t want to pay Vueling’s exorbitant bag fees (Vueling being somewhere around a Target in the Kmart/Nordstrom spectrum of LCCs), then walk through security wearing all the belts and shirts you own to lighten your luggage. The enthusiastic frisking by Spanish transportation safety officials is worth the money savings.

If you have to throw away some old socks or books in order to fit more bottles of cut price vodka into your suitcase, then remember you made an informed choice to fly WizzAir (on which passengers by custom burst into applause when the pilot touches down on the runway, presumably because they are overcome with gratitude that their aircraft has not burst into flames) -- after your communist-era train between Warsaw and Krakow broke down without explanation and stopped dead on the tracks fifteen minutes from the city for more than two hours.

If you don’t want to pay extra to choose your AirAsia seat in advance, then be prepared to visualize your plane as that last chopper out of Saigon and outrun the stooped old lady next to you carrying two crates of chickens tied together with twine.

Or instead you could solder a homemade sampan together out of scrap metal and sail your way through Southeast Asia.

Life is all about choices. Figure it out.