dutch auction

Ping.  Received an email from theOutnet.com, the self-billed "most fashionable fashion outlet."  It's reminding me of their upcoming first anniversary sale, during which all items will be $1. 

I've never actually purchased anything from theOutnet.com, but being Chinese and frugal I do like to scope out their periodic flash sales.  One type of sale is the "Going, Going, Gone sale."  The site explains:

Going, Going, Gone sales are a type of reverse auction - once the sale clock starts counting the price drops - and will only run for a very short amount of time.  When you click 'Add to Bag' it locks the price. Shop too early and you could miss out on a super-low price.  Leave it too late and there may be no more stock left.

It all sounds very exciting. That sale description blurb should have lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I like pricing games.  I used to love watching The Price is Right, with asshole contestants and their backhanded "previous contestant + $1" bids, or Bob Barker reminding us kindly to spay and neuter our pets right after we get another botched facelift and ultimately cede the hosting position to that charisma-less fat guy with big black square glasses.

To be a geek for a second, the type of auction that theOutnet.com describes is not merely "a type of reverse auction."  It is actually called a "Dutch auction." 

I also like anything to do with the Dutch, in part because adding "Dutch" as a modifier to any item makes it instantly more hilarious.  Is any other type of oven but Dutch hilarious?  Are fluffly IHOP pancakes as hilarious as gigantic thin floppy Dutch pannekoeken?  When the Dutch Royal Navy puts forth an entry into the annual Hong Kong Dragon Boat Race and its boat actually sinks in the harbor, would the disaster have been as hilarious had the entrant been the Somali Royal Navy? 

Anyway, a Dutch auction is how bids are taken and sales completed at Dutch flower markets.  The price on an item lowers until a bid is made.  First bidder is the winner and buyer.  The cost of premature ejaculation is overpriced tulips; the risk of excess thrift is floral blue balls.

Interestingly (or, rather, not interestingly, as the following anecdote concerns securities and is therefore a total snoozefest), the term Dutch auction also describes "a public offering auction structure in which the price of the offering is set after taking in all bids and determining the highest price at which the total offering can be sold.  In this type of auction, investors place a bid for the amount they are willing to buy in terms of quantity and price."  (def. courtesy Investopedia). 

I myself only learned of this alternate definition the hard way when I once worked on a case involving collateralized debt obligations (CDOs) and my old white boss (OWB) wanted to quiz me to make sure I knew what a Dutch auction was.  When I answered: "Yes, how they sell tulips," he glared at me and told me to get out of his office.

Anyway, I'm a fan of the first variation of Dutch auctions, because unlike traditional auctions such as on eBay, the Dutch auction offers a real-time, immediate decision on whether the item up for bids has been won.  This feedback cycle more closely mirrors the process of placing bids in non-auction situations in real-life. 

The best illustration of social bidding I can think of might be from a real honest to God email that a perpetually single friend of mine once sent to me describing a typical night of trolling a bar for a hookup.  I just spent fifteen minutes digging it up, because it really needs to be quoted verbatim:

10pm- Searching for 9s or better, must be under 25 with own place. Prefer brunettes, but will settle for a stellar blonde.


11pm- Late 20s is o.k. if super hot, maybe go home with an 8, if she is funny and intelligent.


Midnight- Color doesn’t matter-skin, hair, eyes; if she’s a 7 or higher in her 20’s to early 30’s, I’m ready to go.


1am- Starting to round up on the numbers, a 5.5 is basically a 7, or almost an 8.  Starting to round down on the numbers, a 34 is barely out of her 20’s.


2am- Getting nervous, don’t care at this point, just hope nobody sees me leave with my 41 year old 3 I’m trying to pull.  Otherwise, that gay guy is cute and has been eyeing me all night.


3am- Waffle House waitress isn’t too bad, maybe a little rough around the edges, but that’s expected after working graveyard for years and living in a trailer at age 56.


4am- Maybe give you a call.

Humph. He can go Dutch himself.